


Dear Stephan...

by WafflesAndPancakes



Category: Ski Jumping RPF
Genre: Alternative Universe - Non-Ski-Jumper, Andreas is writing letters to Stephan, Crying, Dark Thoughts, Death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, M/M, Men Crying, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Ships to Be Added, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, Sad, Thoughts about suicide, well the characters are already dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-09 14:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19889011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WafflesAndPancakes/pseuds/WafflesAndPancakes
Summary: Andi has lost the most important thing in his life. To cope with his loss, he has been giving the assignment to write letters to the person he lost. While writing his letters, his life starts to change.





	1. Chapter One - All Good Stories Start At The Graveyard

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know why I am writing this, but apparently, I hate myself and my feelings, so let's get on with this.

_Dear Stephan,_

  
_I don’t know why I am writing to you. I know that you won’t ever read my letter. How could you? Is there a mailbox for all of you up there? And it’s not even a letter, it’s just a single text in an empty book. An empty book that the therapist told me to fill, writing to you. Whatever..._

  
_I miss you. Every single day. People say it gets easier, but it doesn’t. Every day is an even harder fight, sometimes I can’t even get out of bed. It still smells like you, you know?_

  
_I haven’t opened your closet. I haven’t looked through your belongings. I haven’t touched a single thing, too scared of breaking it, too scared of breaking the memories we made. I am afraid of forgetting. I don’t want to forget you, you don’t deserve that. The thought that if I forget a memory of you, I can’t get it back, it kills me inside. Every thought about you kills me, too. It pains me._

  
_Sometimes I ask myself, why couldn’t it be me? Why couldn’t you continue your life? But at the same time… If wouldn’t want you to go through the same pain I am going through. Nobody wants that…_

  
_I visited your grave yesterday. It was raining, what a cliche. I didn’t want to leave, even though every single part of my body was drenched. The last time I left, we didn’t see each other again, so why should I leave your grave? It could disappear as quickly as you did…_

~|o|~

The rain poured down on him, but he did not feel the cold, he did not feel how wet his clothing was, he did not feel anything. Nothing mattered. The most important thing in his life was gone, so why should he care anymore? Life had been cruel to him, and he wanted nothing more than to walk right into the welcoming arms of death, reuniting with the love of his life in the afterlife. He had thought about it a lot, but he never went further than that. It would not have been what Stephan would have wanted. Stephan would have wanted him to fight, to continue living, for both of them. He had been such a pure soul.

The rain mixed with his tears on his already wet face, making it unable for anybody to tell what was rain and what were tears. Andi buried his face in his hands, sobs shaking his body. He was so unbelievably weak. He was a disappointment. How could Stephan have loved a loser like him?

“Hey, is everything okay?”

It took him a while to look up, looking at a young man with dark hairs and dark eyes, a full-beard framing his face, the bags under his eyes finishing his look. He was holding a black umbrella and he was wearing a black coat. It was clear to Andi that he was grieving, too.

“Do I look like I’m okay?”

“You look drenched and you’re shivering. So no, you don’t.”

The other man sat down next to him on the wet bench, not caring about if the water would drench and maybe even destroy his coat. He looked like he did not care about a lot either. Nearly the same as Andi. Given up on hope, on life, just making his way from day to day, smiling, when he had to, laughing on commando, playing a role to not seem broken.

“You don’t look good either.”

“Are you always that kind when you meet new people?”

Andi sighed, shaking his head, looking away and onto the grave. _His_ grave. The other man followed his gaze, smiling slightly, maybe even compassionately.

“Also lost someone?”

“What other reason is there to be hanging around a graveyard when it’s raining?”

“There are some weird freaks out here, you’ll never know.”

Andi rolled his eyes and sat up straight, turning to look up into the sky, letting the rain fall onto his face even more. He was talking to a stranger on a graveyard while it was raining. What a wonderful way to spend his Saturday.

“My boyfriend died in a car crash nine months ago. Some idiot couldn’t figure out how to use his brakes and drove with full speed into his car… He died before the ambulance could arrive.”

He did not know why he told all this to a stranger. Maybe it was the feeling that they may have had the same fate, losing someone precious, now being left alone in the open world with no one to guide them.

“Shit… I’m sorry, mate. Is that him?”

Andi turned his head somewhat, nodding as he saw the man pointing at a small picture in front of the tombstone.

“Yes… My angel… The kindest man I’ve ever known…”

“Well, at least he didn’t have to make his way up alone," the stranger muttered, his words not really meant for Andi's ears.

Andi’s gaze wandered from Stephan’s grave to the stranger, whose eyes were now focused on the grave next to Stephan’s. He had not noticed it before, only having eyes for his boyfriend’s grave, but now he saw that another young man was buried there, only a year younger than Stephan - and he died a few days before him.

“He had a heart attack… I was wondering, why he wasn’t coming home from the gym… Apparently, he had heart problems he never told me about.” The stranger sighed, smiling slightly, now clearly talking to Andi. “Typically Karl. Never wanting anyone to worry about him…”

They stayed quiet for a while, both deeply lost in their thoughts, smiling from time to time as a few tears ran down their cheeks. The rain stopped, letting the sun shine through some of the clouds, painting the world gold at some corners, conjuring a rainbow onto the sky. It was Andi, who found his voice again first.

“Do you really think Karl waited for him?”

Even though it was a whisper, the other man seemed to have understood him clearly.

“Yes… Karl is that kind of guy… And I bet he was too afraid to go alone…”

“Stephan must have been afraid, too… He wasn’t a fan of new stuff, it terrified him… I think he would have been happy to have someone his age to go with him…”

Andi rubbed his eyes before he looked at the other man and reached his hand out to him.

“I’m Andreas… But please, call me Andi.”

The stranger smiled slightly and took his hand.

“I’m Markus. Nice to meet you.”

~|o|~

_Are you alone up there? Or is Karl with you? I hope he is. You shouldn’t be alone, you are not made to be alone._

_Do you remember all the late-night calls we had when I was away? I remember it as if it was yesterday… Talking late into the night, before you fell asleep while I was telling a story… You could never sleep without me…_

_Please, send me a sign. Just a small one. Showing me that you’re not alone. And tell Karl to do the same for Markus. I think he needs it, too… I just want to know that you have a good life up there. Or where ever you are._

_Markus told me a lot about Karl yesterday, and I told him even more about you. It felt good to finally talk to somebody about this. Somebody who understands your grieve. And Karl, he sounds like a nice guy. I hope he’s with you, really. Maybe he’s even sitting next to you as you read this? Glancing over your shoulder from time to time, trying to read what I have written to you. Later on teasing you, because it was way too cheesy at some points._

_I miss you, Stephan, with every part of my body and soul. The last nine months have been hell, but as long as you are happy up there, I am happy, too. There will never be a day that I’m not reminded of your love and of how much I love you. No man will ever matter as much to me as you did. No one can replace you. You were and are and will always be the love of my life, my better half, the only person to really understand me. You were and are and will always be a once in a life-time person._

_I can’t wait to meet you again._

_Yours, now and forever,_  
_Andi._


	2. Chapter Two - Why Is It Always So Easy For Other People?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andi writes to Stephan again, the first time in a few months. He tells him about Markus and the way he changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not as sad as before, but still sad.

_Dear Stephan,_

_I haven’t written in months… I just couldn’t. And it pains me even more that I wrote one letter and then left, you have probably waited for another letter._  
_Not a lot has changed, to be honest. I have met up with Markus a few times, sometimes at the graveyard, sometimes in a café nearby. He is a funny person to be around._

_It feels good to have a person to talk to. A person who understands you. It makes you feel less lonely. I now have a person that I can call in the middle of the night, when I wake up from a nightmare and turn around, wanting to hug you, but you’re not there. I don’t know how often it has happened in the past months, but Markus’ voice got me to calm down every time. I don’t have to go through this alone anymore, and I’m thankful for that._

_He even came on our anniversary. He listened to me the whole time, telling stories about you, about us. He ate a piece of cake with me. Your favorite one. It was such a beautiful day, but it just wasn’t the same as with you._

_The week after was the hardest in both our lives. We both sat on the same bench again, crying our eyes out. You’ve been gone over a year now. A year without you, it still sounds so unbelievable. Mostly, because it feels like you have been gone for even longer. I miss waking up to your voice, the smell of coffee when you brought me the first cup to the bed. I miss the movie nights, cuddling with you on the couch, eating popcorn and laughing about those stupid jokes. I even miss our fights. It was cute how your cheeks and nose got red whenever you were upset. And the fights made it feel real. They made it feel like there was another person around._

_I don’t have anyone to fight with anymore. I feel more drenched day by day, it’s getting harder to leave the house. Sometimes, I come how, lay down on the bed and stare at the ceiling for hours. Hoping that you will return home. That I will hear how you’re turning the keys and opening the door. But you won’t. You’re gone. Forever._

~|o|~

Spring had turned into summer, and summer had turned into fall. Every day was a fight for Andi, and he only really wanted to leave the house on the days where he was meeting up with Markus. The older man motivated him to leave the house, enjoy the sun and watch the world around him. The only reason he left the house in his spare time. The only time he actually felt free and happy.

While meeting up with him again and again, Andi noticed a change in Markus. He could see it every time they were at the graveyard, sitting in front of their boyfriends’ graves. In the beginning, Markus had been tense, looking at Karl’s grave with sad eyes, hunched over slightly, as if the weight of Karl’s death was pulling him down. But over time, Markus changed. He sat up straighter, he laughed more, smiled more. He was not as tense as he had been before, more relaxed in his body and his features. His eyes had gotten back a special form of sparkle.

And while Markus changed, Andi stayed the same.

Andi met the reason for Markus’ change a few weeks later. Markus had invited him to a party at his flat, just a regular house party with a few friends (Andi did not know another person than Markus and Richard, a fellow student in his university class). It had been a nice evening, they all sitting around, chatting away without too much alcohol, just having some fun. It was a way for Andi to forget his problems, a way to leave his dark thoughts at home and enjoy the time in a social setting.

It surprised them when they heard a knock on the door, but Markus was on his feet in a matter of seconds, leaving the living room and going to the hallway to open the door. Andi could hear another voice greet Markus, before they talked a bit quietly, to quiet for him to understand what he was talking about. When Markus returned, he was followed by another man, a bit smaller than Markus (which in itself already meant that he was adorably small), blueish grey eyes and small, red spots on his cheeks. He smiled shyly, clutching Markus’ hand hard, before the other man pulled him to the others, sitting down with him.

“May I introduce you all? This is Anders.”

Markus continued with introducing the other guests, as Andi smiled slightly. He was happy for his friend, but he felt dumb because he had not noticed it before. It had been quite clear if he thought about it. Before starting to look better every time they were at the graveyard, Markus had had a phase where he was even tenser as if he felt uncomfortable at his boyfriend’s grave. In that time, he did not stay as long at the grave as he had before, but Andi had never really thought about. Now he knew why Markus had acted strangely: He was not sure if Karl would approve of him falling in love again.

And while Markus found his light, Andi was still left in his darkness.

~|o|~

_I am happy for him. Markus deserves someone who loves and treasures him the way he is, and Anders seems to be the right person to do that. I have now met them both more often, more frequently, and he is really a funny person once he’s through his shy phase._

_I have talked to Markus about how he could do that. Have a relationship and still have a clear conscience in regards to Karl. He told me he hadn’t. That he still thinks that Karl would be angry at him for being happy again. That it still feels like cheating on him. And again, it seems like Anders is his life belt, pulling him up from his ocean of dark thoughts. Markus told me how Anders would sit next to him, telling him that Karl would never be angry at him if he truly loved him. He would want him to be happy, enjoy the rest of his life, even though it was without him._

_I guess Anders is right. I would have wanted you to be happy too if I would have been the one to leave. I would have wanted to see you smile again, laugh again, fool around again. You know that I can't stand to see you sad. You were the light in my life, the person to cheer me up again and again. I would have wanted that you would be that kind of person again, for a new man. Give another person a reason to live. Because you were mine._

_You still haven’t given me a sign if Karl is there with you. If he actually waited for you so he didn’t have to walk alone. If he is, please ask him from me if he sent Anders to Markus. If he wanted Markus to meet him because he shouldn’t be alone._

_I’m not asking you to do the same for me, sending another man to me just to make me happy. If you already have, take him back. I don’t need him. I really don’t. I don’t want another person, I just want you. You and only you. Life is unfair, it was unfair to take you away from me. I still don’t know what to do without you. Letting another man into my heart isn’t my plan, isn’t what I want. Because… because it would feel like cheating. It would not be fair towards you. You were a once in a lifetime person, you can’t be replaced. I don’t want to have you replaced. What if I forget you… No, I can’t let that happen._

_I miss you, there will never be a day where I don’t miss you. I love you, forever, until… death do us part… Does that mean you aren’t going to love the other person when they are dead? Because I don’t feel that way. My love only keeps growing, with every single day that I have to be alone on his planet, without having you in my embrace, without hearing your voice. I don’t think I can do this any longer, Stephan. I can’t live without you. I just want to see you again, is that so hard to understand?_

_I love you. Forever… As I promised you so often._

_Andi_


	3. Chapter Three - Lies Don't Last Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andi has the courage to tell Stephan something he had been hiding for quite some time since the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... had me literally in tears. I was sobbing.
> 
> Woops.

_Dear Stephan,_

_how many times did I promise you not to lie to you? How many times did I tell you the truth? And how many times did I look into your face after you understood that I lied to you, seeing how heartbroken you were because of my stupid actions? Often._

_I swore myself never to lie to you again. I wanted to be a good boyfriend. The loyal boyfriend you deserve. And even now, when you’re not even around me anymore, I still manage to lie to you. I hate myself for that. I hate it but I can’t change it anymore._

_Especially because I didn’t lie to you in a typical way. I just… let out a few details about the party. Mostly, because I thought they wouldn’t be of importance anymore afterwards. But they were. And now I’m stuck in a situation I didn’t want to be in._

_Remember when I said that you didn’t need to send me anyone? That you could send the person away because I will always only love you? I hope so much that you didn’t send him away, because…_

_Well, because I met someone and I don’t want to hurt you with my actions._

~|o|~

In fact, Andi had not met just “someone”, Andi had met one of Anders’ closer friends, Daniel. A tall blonde, with an amazing voice and good humor. And his bisexual ass had kind of fallen for the more androgynous looks of the older man, seeing both feminine and masculine traits in him. He had not fallen for him in a romantic way. Never. He only loved Stephan. But he was attracted to Daniel in another way, more like in a friends with benefits way (He was also just a lonely, young man).

He had met Daniel at the party, but only after Anders had arrived and introduced them to each other. To Andi’s surprise, they had talked throughout the whole evening, not really breaking apart as they made their way into the hallway as the other guests were slowly leaving. They ended up with Daniel walking Andi home, not stopping the conversation until right in front of Andi’s door.

“It was a nice evening.”

Daniel was smiling at him, and Andi felt the urge to see him smile more, to be the reason why he was smiling.

“It was indeed.”

“Will I… see you again? For a coffee, maybe?”

Andi sighed and looked down on his feet, shaking his head slightly.

“I’m sorry, Daniel, but… I’m not up for dating anyone.”

A soft hand took his hand, squeezing it gently, making Andi look up again, directly into Daniel’s eyes. The younger one bit his lip. They were beautiful.

“Then let’s not call it a date. I really enjoyed talking to you, and I would like to get to know you a bit better. As a friend.”

“O-Okay… Fine…”

Andi was shaking a bit as they exchanged numbers, not used to all of this. He had been in a relationship for a long time, he was new to this dating thing (even though it was not dating). Had Daniel actually been flirting with him all that time? Or was he just a kind person? How did people do that? How did people get to know other people that way? And was it not still a date?

His head hurt that evening when he went to bed, still thinking about what all of this meant if it was the right thing to meet up with Daniel, even if it “was not a date”. What if Stephan actually saw him? What if he got mad because he was already meeting other men? But what if Stephan had sent Daniel to him? That it had been his idea? No, he did not want a new boyfriend, he did not want to replace him. His heart only belonged to Stephan, and nobody else would be allowed to get a piece of it.

~

Andi still met up with Daniel a week later, and if he was honest, he really enjoyed the time. And it was not the last “not-date” the two of them had. They met up again and again, talking about God and the world, watching movies or playing video games. Besides Markus (and therefore also Anders), Daniel was the only person who could get Andi out of his house without giving him a specific reason for it. Daniel could text him “Meet me in five at the park” and Andi would be there in even four minutes. His friends were happy about that, seeing Andi laugh again more and more frequently, slowly returning to be the person he had been before Stephan’s death.

Still, Daniel did not know about Stephan. He did know that Markus had lost his boyfriend, but Andi never told him about his loss. He did not want Daniel to pity him, he wanted to hear his true feelings and thoughts, not listening to him talk like he had a filter in his brain, filtering out all of the words that may trigger him. It made it easier for him, a lot easier. It made him feel like a normal person. Days were becoming better. He enjoyed them. He found more reasons to get out of bed, he was motivated for what life had in stock for him. Because most of the day, he had a “not-date” with Daniel in the evening.

Like that specific Friday evening after a long and hard week. They had met up at the park, taking a stroll through it, watching families play catch in the first snow of the year. Christmas was not more than six weeks away, and Andi, who had loved the season so much because of Stephan’s child-like excitement, felt even more lonely now, seeking out Daniel more and more often. The older one did not seem to mind and always seemed to have time for his friend.

The city had hung lights up around the park, giving it a more peaceful and calmer atmosphere, even romantic in some way. Normally, Andi would have gotten some hot cocoa for him and Stephan, sitting down on a bench to talk about their day, but he did not know if Daniel would like that too, but apparently, the other man could read his thoughts.

“Want to grab something to drink and maybe sit down somewhere?”

Andi smiled, happily agreeing to Daniel’s idea. When they both had gotten their hot beverages, they sat down on a bench at a lake. As it got darker, the lights surrounding them reflected in Daniel’s eyes, and Andi lost himself in them. Daniel seemed lost too, as he stopped talking and stared at Andi with slightly parted lips.

In the end, neither of them would know who moved first, but Andi could feel Daniel’s lips on his, kissing him softly. He closed his eyes and kissed him back, tasting a faint hint of cinnamon as he deepened the kiss. It was the same way Stephan’s kisses had tasted, it was the same comfortable atmosphere surrounding him, the same way Stephan had held his face while kissing him.

When he opened his eyes after they had parted, he had expected to see Stephan. Instead, he looked into the face of the man, who had reminded him so much of his boyfriend throughout the last months, without him even noticing it. Andi felt his heartache and he jumped up, grabbing his belongings and rushing home, leaving a confused and sad Daniel behind.

~|o|~

_I… I haven’t seen Daniel since two weeks already… I have ignored every message he has sent me, and you know what? I feel awful… So fucking awful._

_I left him. Like you left me. Maybe it’s not the same kind of loneliness, but... I just know that he feels lonely right now. How lonely he feels right now. Gosh, I am an incredible asshole. How could you even live with me? How could you love me?_

_Life… Life feels like shit since you're gone. Normally, it has been ups and downs but it felt like it consisted of downs, and downs only, since your… death… When Markus came into my life, I’ve got a few ups again… And with Daniel even more._

_It was just too much that evening. I mean, it’s Christmas soon and I know how much you loved it. The colors, the lights, giving other people presents and seeing them so excited about them. I thought last year around this time was already tough but now, where I have another person that… might like me, it’s even tougher. Especially because he reminds me so much of you_

_The kiss… it felt as if it was you. Back in the old times, fooling around, being ourselves. Like I imagined our big evening. The day, where I would ask you that one important question. The ring has been sitting in my drawer for two years now, waiting for the perfect situation. I have carried it around so often already, thinking that I would have the courage to ask you that day, but it never happened. I will never give you the ring. I will never get down on one knee, shaking because I’m so nervous, falling over my own words. I will never see your face when I show you the ring. Never hold you in my arms as you cry and say yes, over and over again. I will never in my life hold your hand and put a new ring on your finger, finally calling you my husband after all these years. We will never seal our fates._

_You’ve been gone for nearly two years now. One year, five months, five days and 13 hours to be exact. Markus has moved on, so why can’t I? Why is it so easy for him but so hard for me?_

_I wish I could be strong, I wish I could make you proud, but I’m only a failure._

_Tell me, did you send Daniel to me? Because you knew how much he is like you? Because I have your permission to move on? Or is this some stupid joke from the universe again?_

_I’m done with this shit. With this world._

_I miss you, Stephan. Can’t you just… come down and pick me up so we can live our happily ever after up there where you are._

_With all my love,_

_Andi._


	4. Chapter Four - Love Is A Game For Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andi tries to figure out what he's feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small chapter to say that I'm back! And next up is the last chapter, then this whole story is over already... How time flies (I mean, yeah, it were only 5 chapters but still)

_Dear Stephan,_

_I feel awful. I have never felt worse, especially not since you are gone. Daniel didn’t even try to contact me… Maybe he thinks that I’m not gay, not interested, not… into him. I’ve hurt him. Shit._

_But… what if I’m interested? Would it be bad? Would it hurt you? Would you be angry if I gave someone a chance to fight for a place in my heart?_

_No, I shouldn’t think that way. I’m not interested in Daniel. I’ll never will. I only love you. Daniel would probably only be a filler for you, he would never achieve the status you had. And that just isn’t fair towards him. He deserves someone who loves him with all his heart, someone he can trust, someone who treats him like the angel he is, someone…_

Tears were dripping onto the paper, leaving small spots on the paper. Andi closed his eyes, trying to wipe the tears away. This was too much. He felt his heart shattering into a thousand pieces, just thinking about Daniel and how much it must have hurt when he ran away. Feelings, he thought were only reserved for Stephan whenever he had hurt him, found their way to the surface, and he felt even more tears running down his cheeks.

_… someone that isn’t me. He doesn’t deserve a loser like me, he deserves someone better._

_And even if I would have feelings for him, feelings that match his, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t start a relationship with him. What if I lost him? What if my fear of losing him would end the relationship before it even started? No, he deserves someone normal, someone, who isn’t hurt, someone who isn’t broken._

Andi looked up, sighing as he saw the beautifully decorated grave in front of him. He had changed the picture of Stephan, instead of the portrait was now a picture of them both in the frame, a picture from their holiday together, Stephan smiling into the camera as Andi kissed him on the cheek. Next to it, Andi had put an angel figure and a heart. He knew that Stephan would always watch over him and his heart. It was such a Stephan-thing to do.

_Tell me, what would you do? I would have been happy if you moved on, finding someone who treasures you as much as I did, but… would you be okay, too? The last thing I want to do is to hurt you…_

_I still ask myself if you sent Daniel to me. If it is your way of saying ‘move on, I’m okay with it, be happy’. Give me a sign, something to know if I have your permission. I can’t do this without it. I can’t do it if you’re against it. It would be impossible._

Andi closed the book and put it back into his bag. The wind had gotten heavier, the sky darker. He knew that it would start to snow soon, the weather forecast had said that it for the first time in many years would be a white Christmas. Andi got up from the bench, taking his bag and with a soft, quiet “I love you” in front of Stephan’s grave, the student made his way home.

Normally, he would have chosen another way home, a longer one, the one that did not lead across the place of Stephan’s car crash. Normally, he would even have taken a way through hell instead of walking by that place, but the weather made him want to get home as quickly as possible. It took him some internal convincing to stand at the traffic light, and especially to walk over the street, his whole body shaking at the thought of what had happened there. As soon as he reached the other side, he took a deep breath, standing still for a moment to process what he had done (his therapist would, later on, call it a big improvement). Andi was pulled out of his trance as someone ran against him, mumbling a quick “sorry” before continuing his way down the street. Andi shook his head, wanting to continue his way too, as he saw that the man had dropped something. He stood still, staring down onto the ground with big eyes. It was a rose. A red rose.

Andi had never acted that quick in all of his life. He picked up the rose, swallowing hard, before running off into the opposite direction of what he had planned. He was not going to run home. He had something more important to do. He had to change his life. He had to dare it.

~|o|~

_Maybe you did send him to me. Maybe you put that rose in my way. Maybe this was your permission for me to see him, to date him, to fall in love again. Maybe you knew that he was the right guy, that he was good enough to fall in love, to be happy. Maybe, maybe not._

_But I don’t care anymore. I will fight for my life, for my happiness, for my love. I will fight and never give up. Because you are somewhere around me. Always. You’re watching over me, helping me to make the right decisions._

_I hope you’ll watch over me when Daniel and I have our first real date. And I hope that you’ll smile, that you’ll be proud of me. That you’ll be happy because I’m happy. Because I am. Truly._

_But don’t worry, you’ll always be my number one._

_I love you._

_Andi_


	5. Sometimes, All You Need Is A Happy Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephan has been away for two years. Two years, in which a lot has changed for Andi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for following through this fanfic, I hope you liked it.
> 
> So, yes, this is the last chapter. It feels really weird but also really good.
> 
> And sorry for all the tears.

_Dear Stephan,_

_two years. You have been gone for two years now. Well, actually it has been two years yesterday, but who am I to count. A lot has changed, and to be honest, I still miss you. But I guess that will never change._

_We shared so much time, so many memories with each other, you can’t just throw that away. Especially not, when it ended as it ended in our case._

_But time had something great in store for me. Healing, for example. Healing and new friends. I know that you’re watching me, I know that you’re approving of all of his, I wouldn’t be doing it if you wouldn’t. I am just happy that I didn’t give up. I somehow found my way back into life._

_Daniel was a big help. Daniel, Markus, and Anders, all of them. I will forever be thankful for their help, for guiding me through a hard time, for helping me to become the old version of me._

_Well, not completely the old version. After some things, you can’t go back to normal. I know that I won’t ever be the person you fell in love with all those years ago, but I can be a new person. And I mean, Daniel fell in love with me at my lowest point, so I guess I still was loveable._

_Yeah, Daniel fell in love with me. Surprising, I know. If I love him? I’ve spent the last months so much time with him, I spent more and more nights over at his place… I like him. I like him a lot, but if it’s love… I guess time will show. What he is is an important person in my life, someone I can finally trust again. Someone who builds me up, when I’m down. Someone, who loves to spend time with me, talking about the weirdest things, someone…_

“I thought you wanted to follow me into the shower?”

A blonde head appeared in the bathroom door, smiling softly at Andi, who was still sitting on the bed. Andi looked up and smiled too, blushing slightly.

“Sorry, I really wanted to write the letter… I feel sorry that I didn’t write to him yesterday.”

Daniel, only wearing a towel around his hips, walked over to the bed and sat down next to his friend, scooting behind him to put his head onto his shoulder. Andi closed the book, turning his head a bit to look at Daniel’s face.

“Hey, this is very private!”

The older one giggled and pressed a kiss on Andi’s lips before making his way further down. His lips met his neck, placing another mark next to the many others before wandering down to his shoulder.

“Come on, you really want me to shower alone, do you?”

Daniel’s hand was on his lower back, playing with his boxers. Andi smiled but hit the other’s hand softly.

“I showered already, so yeah, go shower alone.”

His words earned him a pout, but Daniel got up and walked into the bathroom alone. The younger one giggled and opened the book again.

_… who makes me smile. Daniel is never going to replace you, and he knows that. But I don’t want him to replace you. I cherish the memories I made with you, but I also love every single memory I make with him. You both have a place in my heart, you’re both equally important to me._

_I will always miss you, it will never change. But I know that I’ll see you again at some point, and I’m already excited, I’m looking forward to it. Just one thing is more clear than ever: The time will come, where I’ll meet you again. At some point, my time on earth is over. But you know what? I’m going to let fate surprise me. I’m not going to end it early just to meet you. Because life apparently has something more to offer, more in store for me, and I’m excited to see what it will be._

The bed moved again, and Andi put the book away the moment he felt lips on his skin again, how strong arms pulled him closer into a tight embrace, how fingers found their way to the waistband of his boxer shorts.

“Finished now?”

“I’ll finish it later. After I finished you.”

Daniel pulled him smiling into a kiss, pressing him down into the sheets. Andi felt how easy it had gotten for him to let himself fall, enjoying the treatment he received, not thinking about Stephan every time Daniel tried to touch him. His focus had shifted, he did no longer concentrate on the past, he was looking into the future, a future that hopefully included Daniel.

The older one had told him often enough how good he looked when he laid spread out in the white sheets, his dark hair standing off in all kinds of angles, preferable already spent and sweaty. He had told him often enough that he looked so good with hickeys all over his body, marking him as his, showing the world that he was taken. That someone loved and adored him. That he was not up for anyone else flirting with him.

Andi had never asked Daniel about his past. Not often, at least. There were still topics the older one did not want to talk about, there were still topics that made him tear up, but Andi never pushed him to talk about it. Time would hopefully heal his wounds too, making it easier for him to talk about his problems. Andi knew nothing about it, but he knew that Daniel feared that he might lose him. That was why he marked him every time, scratched his skin and painted his body with hickeys.

~|o|~

_Stephan, my love, I believe you sent Daniel to catch me from falling. You wanted to see me happy, and you know what? I am. I am truly happy._

_Daniel makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel cherished and adored and safe. He is like an angel, another reason why I think that you sent him. Where you are, there must be angels. Because you were an angel, too._

_I’m often awake at night, staring out of the window to see the stars, to watch the moon. Daniel is always sleeping next to me, his fair hair illuminating in the moonlight. He even looks like an angel when he’s asleep._

_He sometimes mumbles something in his sleep, something in a language I can’t understand. I never ask him about his dreams, I know that it probably is too soon for that, but the mumbles have become less and less frequent since I started staying over. He seems to be healing, too._

_I wouldn’t have fought for my life if it wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t have kept going, I probably would have ended it all. But thanks to him, I didn’t give up. I fought, I worked on myself, I continued. We helped each other to heal, we were each other’s lifeboats. And I’m really thankful for that._

_I will never forget you, Stephan, for you have brightened my life while you were alive. You were my light in the dark, my heart and my soul, my stars and my moon. There will never be a second you, for that is impossible. You were a once in a lifetime partner. But there is a new person, who won’t ever replace you, but who is the biggest treasure in my life. And I won’t ever let him go._

_Thank you for all those years together, Stephan. For the good and bad times, for your love and your loyalty. You were the man, I could look into his eyes and say: “‘Til death do us part.”_

_And how it parted us. But in heaven, we’ll see each other again. And I want to see you happy, too, when I arrive there._

_Yours dearest,_

_Yours forever,_

_Yours ‘til the end of time._

_Andi._


End file.
